Thanks for the post, Sarah. I've been carrying anger towards two people who verbally abused me for years. I was also too nice to respond, instead I decided to no longer have them in my life. I don't know if that's a good thing or not but that's the way it is.
This is straight-up spiritual abuse, and she should have been written up multiple times for this behavior. Weaponizing either scripture or legalism against someone is harmful and abusive. And I hope it’s comforting to know that God is even more angry about this than you are. 💚
I think this is probably the most impactful, honest, what-our-would-needs-right-now, authentic thing I have ever read. Everyone should read this. Everyone. Your voice in story is beautiful and brilliant. Your regular voice is good too, but the sound of your genuine heart is something to be greatly cherished and celebrated.
This is a wonderful reminder. Thank you for sharing.
What I especially appreciated was how you acknowledged that the anger built up. It built until you couldn’t contain it, and you also shared how it still affects you because it became a traumatic incident/series of incidents.
I think it stems from the “be a nice, good girl” messaging that disallows women from saying what’s true: you were being harassed and emotionally abused Every. Single. Day.
Personal comments, judgments, and churchy stuff was bullying at best and abuse in my book.
(Heck, if I was told daily or weekly that I was going to hell I would have started coming in to work everyday with crystals, pentacles, and sage to do clearing spells and actively remove that b*%{#’s negative energy)
If for you they felt like pats on the bum and a man telling you to smile more, guess what? They did the same damage.
When we are not allowed-not safe-to say our truth: how we feel, how we’re being effected because “that’s about you,” it can cause those big reactions. Sometimes they have negative consequences.
I am angry on your behalf—and mine because I’ve been there, and I am glad you’ve found writing, and have a truth-space. Thank you again for your clarity and sharing <3
Knowing my own story, it always makes my heart feel heavy hearing another story similar to mine... not the same, but another person who has felt the pain of unceasing judgement. Some of the nastiest things said about me were by a group of evangelical women on a college campus. My sin in their eyes? Organizing a lgbtqia+ affirming Bible study.
I nearly left the faith I had grown up with - a faith where my beliefs were non-controversial because it was hard to be in Christian spaces without thinking of them and their word.
My own turning point was when I realized that they intended to push me out: that group would rather me be non-religious than be a Christian that disagreed with them. When I realized this, I thought to myself, "You don't get to have this. You don't get to take this from me."
I know some people's wounds by the church are too deep to want to reclaim things from the people who caused them pain - but it was freeing for me to see that my life didn't have to be guided by being their opposite. The same way that I am finally allowing myself to enjoy all things girly (something I hadn't allowed myself to indulge since it reminded me of the popular girls that bullied me).
In the end, I hope you get to enjoy your long hair just because it brings you joy.
I don’t know. Yeah the tweet was a bit cowardly. You could have told her to her face in perhaps gentler language. But why do we have to put up with these judgy folks and no one calls them out?
I relate to this fully and completely. I get the same guilt and disgust whenever I look back on my teen phase - my arrogance around being smarter than my peers.
In year 12 we did a mini retreat as a year level and I was the very first person to put my hand up in a room full of people I’d never connected with and apologise for specific judgements and hurtful comments I’d made. Then later went on to seek out and apologise to those others from previous years who I’d hurt too (a total of 6 people but it still felt like 6 too many).
It still comes back to me and I wonder how those people are doing now and I wish them well (even though most were as arrogant and rude as me), it sits with me.
Yikes. I got angry reading this article! To be on the receiving end of this level of aggression is just appalling. And when that aggression is package and wrapped with a pretty bow called: "niceness" it's compounded. For what it's worth: when people tell me they're praying for me, I usually smile and answer "that's very kind and FYI, I'm praying for you too." 9 times out of 10 it has the desired effect: stunned silence. Thanks for sharing. Hope you're well. Ann
I had a similar experience with a coworker–I told her she was a toxic person–and our working relationship went to hell from there. I identify as a Christian and was lay pastor for a bit, but left organized religion when politics were preached from the pulpit and “Christian” condemnation and hypocrisy embraced “I’m better than you” rather than love for others. If I am going to hell for cutting my hair or saying the f-word, then I was already headed there for much worse. Nadia Bolz-Weber had a poignant newsletter here yesterday called “Slightly Off-Brand Children” about the Father welcoming the Prodigal Son home, not persecuting him. My soul needed those words at just that moment. As an aside I’m from the Midwest, too, and often commit the “ultimate Midwestern sin.”
Thanks for sharing this! I had an incident happen with a coworker and felt equally demonized while the other person was seemingly given a pass. It took me two years of intensive emotion, disengagement, and finally talking with a professional coach to work through what was ultimately a 5-minute interaction. Those things do sit with us!
Gurl, I feel this so hard! I also work in a salon with a very religious co-worker. We definitely got on eachothers nerves and I think in the end agreed to disagree lol. although now i say "ima pray for you" in a ironic/sarcastic sense for laughs, in spite of her, i hadnt considered how others who dont know me as well might feel about that and switch to "wish you the best" lol. Also excited you want to grow your hair! Let me know if you need help with it ❤️
Thank you for sharing your vulnerabilities and for being so transparent with your feelings. I have been reading your reflections off and on for a while, but what prompted me to comment on this one was that you quoted Ann Lamott!
I recall that years ago you weren't a big fan of hers, so to see her cited in this post made me chuckle.
I am not Christian—not any longer, anyway, and perhaps I never was, though I definitely believed in the Christian god for a while—and so hearing about morality within a Christian framework is always a bit oppressive to my ear. But, when people say they will pray for me, I tend to consider it within the larger context of their intentions. If this is an act of genuine kindness, then I feel gratitude for their kindness. If this is a harsh judgement, then I rebuke their judgement, internally or externally, depending upon who they are and where it's happening. It's the behavior and where it's coming from that matters to me.
And not that you need my or anyone's validation on this, but where your hair however you want! :)
You are still angry because of the injustice. Yes, you called her a name and she found out and you are still upset by it because knowing how you were brought up I know you wouldn’t want to hurt anybody. However, what is really making you angry is the injustice. You suffered what, today, would be called workplace harassment and abuse and you got called down and reprimanded but she harassed you and she wasn’t disciplined at all not to mention you didn’t get lunch and an apology. It is the double standard that you are angry about and rightfully so. I would say in the big scheme of things it doesn’t matter but in reality it does because it has had a lasting, negative effect on you. Try to let it go because the moment has passed — and for what it is worth, I like your hair but I might be partial.
Thank you so much for sharing this piece. First off, I don’t think it totally was your fault. But mostly you have been very sincere about the whole situation in this post, which speaks volumes about how you are a fundamentally good person. Amazing! I’ve been through it myself and experienced other people go through these kinds of situations and I believe it was unfair to just blame the one that burst instead of blaming the one who caused it all. But glad you were able to sift through it all and find peace.
Thanks for the post, Sarah. I've been carrying anger towards two people who verbally abused me for years. I was also too nice to respond, instead I decided to no longer have them in my life. I don't know if that's a good thing or not but that's the way it is.
This is straight-up spiritual abuse, and she should have been written up multiple times for this behavior. Weaponizing either scripture or legalism against someone is harmful and abusive. And I hope it’s comforting to know that God is even more angry about this than you are. 💚
I think this is probably the most impactful, honest, what-our-would-needs-right-now, authentic thing I have ever read. Everyone should read this. Everyone. Your voice in story is beautiful and brilliant. Your regular voice is good too, but the sound of your genuine heart is something to be greatly cherished and celebrated.
This is a wonderful reminder. Thank you for sharing.
What I especially appreciated was how you acknowledged that the anger built up. It built until you couldn’t contain it, and you also shared how it still affects you because it became a traumatic incident/series of incidents.
I think it stems from the “be a nice, good girl” messaging that disallows women from saying what’s true: you were being harassed and emotionally abused Every. Single. Day.
Personal comments, judgments, and churchy stuff was bullying at best and abuse in my book.
(Heck, if I was told daily or weekly that I was going to hell I would have started coming in to work everyday with crystals, pentacles, and sage to do clearing spells and actively remove that b*%{#’s negative energy)
If for you they felt like pats on the bum and a man telling you to smile more, guess what? They did the same damage.
When we are not allowed-not safe-to say our truth: how we feel, how we’re being effected because “that’s about you,” it can cause those big reactions. Sometimes they have negative consequences.
I am angry on your behalf—and mine because I’ve been there, and I am glad you’ve found writing, and have a truth-space. Thank you again for your clarity and sharing <3
Thank you so much for sharing your story, Sarah.
Knowing my own story, it always makes my heart feel heavy hearing another story similar to mine... not the same, but another person who has felt the pain of unceasing judgement. Some of the nastiest things said about me were by a group of evangelical women on a college campus. My sin in their eyes? Organizing a lgbtqia+ affirming Bible study.
I nearly left the faith I had grown up with - a faith where my beliefs were non-controversial because it was hard to be in Christian spaces without thinking of them and their word.
My own turning point was when I realized that they intended to push me out: that group would rather me be non-religious than be a Christian that disagreed with them. When I realized this, I thought to myself, "You don't get to have this. You don't get to take this from me."
I know some people's wounds by the church are too deep to want to reclaim things from the people who caused them pain - but it was freeing for me to see that my life didn't have to be guided by being their opposite. The same way that I am finally allowing myself to enjoy all things girly (something I hadn't allowed myself to indulge since it reminded me of the popular girls that bullied me).
In the end, I hope you get to enjoy your long hair just because it brings you joy.
I don’t know. Yeah the tweet was a bit cowardly. You could have told her to her face in perhaps gentler language. But why do we have to put up with these judgy folks and no one calls them out?
I relate to this fully and completely. I get the same guilt and disgust whenever I look back on my teen phase - my arrogance around being smarter than my peers.
In year 12 we did a mini retreat as a year level and I was the very first person to put my hand up in a room full of people I’d never connected with and apologise for specific judgements and hurtful comments I’d made. Then later went on to seek out and apologise to those others from previous years who I’d hurt too (a total of 6 people but it still felt like 6 too many).
It still comes back to me and I wonder how those people are doing now and I wish them well (even though most were as arrogant and rude as me), it sits with me.
Thank you for sharing this.
Yikes. I got angry reading this article! To be on the receiving end of this level of aggression is just appalling. And when that aggression is package and wrapped with a pretty bow called: "niceness" it's compounded. For what it's worth: when people tell me they're praying for me, I usually smile and answer "that's very kind and FYI, I'm praying for you too." 9 times out of 10 it has the desired effect: stunned silence. Thanks for sharing. Hope you're well. Ann
I had a similar experience with a coworker–I told her she was a toxic person–and our working relationship went to hell from there. I identify as a Christian and was lay pastor for a bit, but left organized religion when politics were preached from the pulpit and “Christian” condemnation and hypocrisy embraced “I’m better than you” rather than love for others. If I am going to hell for cutting my hair or saying the f-word, then I was already headed there for much worse. Nadia Bolz-Weber had a poignant newsletter here yesterday called “Slightly Off-Brand Children” about the Father welcoming the Prodigal Son home, not persecuting him. My soul needed those words at just that moment. As an aside I’m from the Midwest, too, and often commit the “ultimate Midwestern sin.”
Thanks for sharing this! I had an incident happen with a coworker and felt equally demonized while the other person was seemingly given a pass. It took me two years of intensive emotion, disengagement, and finally talking with a professional coach to work through what was ultimately a 5-minute interaction. Those things do sit with us!
Gurl, I feel this so hard! I also work in a salon with a very religious co-worker. We definitely got on eachothers nerves and I think in the end agreed to disagree lol. although now i say "ima pray for you" in a ironic/sarcastic sense for laughs, in spite of her, i hadnt considered how others who dont know me as well might feel about that and switch to "wish you the best" lol. Also excited you want to grow your hair! Let me know if you need help with it ❤️
Riles I love you and your haircuts are the best. :) Will def need your expert hand to cultivate the shaggy stages! <3
Yeah, many Christians do more harm than good due to their judgments, which is talked about in the Bible not to do, not to mention love your neighbor.
Greetings, Sarah!
Thank you for sharing your vulnerabilities and for being so transparent with your feelings. I have been reading your reflections off and on for a while, but what prompted me to comment on this one was that you quoted Ann Lamott!
I recall that years ago you weren't a big fan of hers, so to see her cited in this post made me chuckle.
Be blessed!
Abraham Allende
I am not Christian—not any longer, anyway, and perhaps I never was, though I definitely believed in the Christian god for a while—and so hearing about morality within a Christian framework is always a bit oppressive to my ear. But, when people say they will pray for me, I tend to consider it within the larger context of their intentions. If this is an act of genuine kindness, then I feel gratitude for their kindness. If this is a harsh judgement, then I rebuke their judgement, internally or externally, depending upon who they are and where it's happening. It's the behavior and where it's coming from that matters to me.
And not that you need my or anyone's validation on this, but where your hair however you want! :)
You are still angry because of the injustice. Yes, you called her a name and she found out and you are still upset by it because knowing how you were brought up I know you wouldn’t want to hurt anybody. However, what is really making you angry is the injustice. You suffered what, today, would be called workplace harassment and abuse and you got called down and reprimanded but she harassed you and she wasn’t disciplined at all not to mention you didn’t get lunch and an apology. It is the double standard that you are angry about and rightfully so. I would say in the big scheme of things it doesn’t matter but in reality it does because it has had a lasting, negative effect on you. Try to let it go because the moment has passed — and for what it is worth, I like your hair but I might be partial.
Thank you so much for sharing this piece. First off, I don’t think it totally was your fault. But mostly you have been very sincere about the whole situation in this post, which speaks volumes about how you are a fundamentally good person. Amazing! I’ve been through it myself and experienced other people go through these kinds of situations and I believe it was unfair to just blame the one that burst instead of blaming the one who caused it all. But glad you were able to sift through it all and find peace.